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Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. “I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it,” team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. “It’s a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn’t want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones.” Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene’s gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.I knew it!
Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine
NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the September issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of habits long believed detrimental to one’s health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one’s life. “Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to longevity,” the report stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: “Exhaustive field research throughout New Orleans indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing,” the study read. Other behavior endorsed by the renowned medical journal includes eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; inhaling nitrous oxide; and screaming “Whoo!” as loudly as possible in public. To aid the early detection of breast cancer, the study also strongly recommended that all women between the ages of 18 and 45 annually expose their breasts to cheering crowds.Mmmmm
Taco Bell’s Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
LOUISVILLE, KY—With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. “You’ve never tasted Taco Bell’s five ingredients combined quite like this,” Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. “The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell.” The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.
