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http://www.suntimes.com/output/wiser/sho-sunday-paige07.html
Look, Grandma, no hands needed for virtual bingo
November 7, 2004
BY PAIGE WISER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
THIS WEEK’S ARGUMENT: That if you yell “bingo!” and nobody hears you, it still counts.
While I am against gambling, I am all for bingo, mainly because I understand the rules. When I can, I stop by the weekend game at my grandma’s assisted-living facility, in the hopes of cleaning up. It costs a dime a card to buy in. I like to juggle four cards. Advanced, sure. Showing off, maybe. But if my intimidation techniques distract some of these senior citizens from remembering the four-corners rule, it’s worth it.
I just learned, however, that bingo has become a fixture on the Internet. At Web sites such as CasinoFortuneBingo.com, you can play 24 hours a day, from the privacy of your laptop. And you know what that means:
I can finally cut out the grandma/middleman.
Not that I would, of course. I will probably just visit the online bingo hall to keep my skills sharp during the week.
To register to play Mapau Bingo (which seems to be plain, old-fashioned bingo, but with a graphic of a beautiful Asian woman peering over your virtual bingo card), you must first surrender your name and address (so they know where to “send your winnings!”), and your credit card number (in the unlikely event that you actually lose money in this endeavor). The minimum deposit is $20, but it goes a long way. Each card costs 10 cents — that must be the industry standard.
The jackpot varies by how many people are playing. I tend to play at off-hours, and my jackpots have ranged from about $15 to $28.50.
Is virtual bingo right for you? Here are some of the perks:
Hands-free wins: Once you’ve purchased your bingo card, your work is done. You don’t have to listen for the announcer (“Did she say G? Or B?”) and then scan your multiple cards for numbers that are never there. The computer does it for you.
And all those novelty games, like the one where you have to spell out “hi” on your card in bingo chips? You don’t have to mentally picture the pattern — they pop up automatically on your cards.
If you win, the computer tells you. You only have to yell “bingo!” if you’re in the mood. I would guess that most people usually are.
Speed: Since there’s so little that you physically have to do, the games are sped up. And there are entire rounds (“Speed Spider,” etc.) where the games are really really sped up. If you must lose money, it’s nice at least to be able to do it efficiently.
Custom daubers: You can change your card markers from yellow squares to purple smiley faces, red hearts, and so on. It’s more satisfying than you’d imagine.
Optional chat: There is a community of sorts online, and you can chat with other players (including a gentleman named “Fester”) while you’re waiting to see if you’ve won. Unfortunately, most of the conversations are about … gambling.
Of course, a virtual bingo parlor can duplicate the game, but not the experience.
The downside:
No false bingos: My favorite part of playing bingo at my grandma’s is after someone has yelled “bingo!”
“Don’t clear your cards!” the announcer says, as she double-checks the winning card. Surprisingly often, it turns out not to be a winning card. And half the room has prematurely cleared its cards. This increases my odds of winning immensely.
No cookies: I adore complimentary refreshments.
To date, I still have not actually won: Although I understand, in theory, it is possible.
No grandma: What can I say? She brings me luck.
